(pictured- me, giving a fabulous pose apparently showing off how great both I and my den look at the moment, 1997)
I’m sure everyone who grew up in front of the television in the 90’s/2000’s always had one burning desire. It wasn’t to be one of the cast members in All That or to get slimed in Figure it Out, it was to BECOME A POWERPUFF GIRL. I’m grew up pretty much on one side of the tracks, and it was Nickelodeon. Not Disney Channel or even Cartoon Network. But I would cross those dangerous tracks in front of a speeding oncoming train to watch The Powerpuff Girls. They were super kick-ass and girly and tough and cute and everything every girl wanted to be, basically.
I mean, I daydreamed all the time about flying to school with a pink highlighter path behind me, landing in my seat, and burn off all of Ali R’s hair with my laser heat vision. My best friend Rachel dreamt the same thing.
We did what any two highly driven young girls would do in this situation. We trained to be Powerpuff Girls. How did you train to become little girl superheros? you may ask. Well, I will give you the step by step guide of our strict daily regimen to become super human.
1. Ingredients
Everyone knows that a Powerpuff Girl has three basic core ingredients: Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice. So, this is where you start.
Sugar and Spice can go together. Aint nothing wrong with that. Make some buttered toast and sprinkle it with both sugar and cinnamon. The amount is up to you. This should do the trick. It’s effective and tasty.
Everything Nice: In The Powerpuff Girls intro where the Professor is preparing the girls, the “Everything Nice” is just a bucket of stuffed animals poured into the mix. So, just compile your favorite stuffed animals into a giant mound, and jump right in. You are now Everything Nice.
2. The Extra Ingredient
It’s common knowledge that the Powerpuff Girls happened accidentally. All the Professor was trying to make was three perfect little girls to be his daughter. But, Professor Utonium accidentally added an extra ingredient into the concoction: Chemical X! (and thus the Powerpuff Girls were born..!) So, Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice was simply not enough. We needed Chemical X.
We had to go to the big guns to get this one. We asked my Au Pair to run to the store and buy it for us, but she knew a way to DIY it so I will share with you the ingredients to make your very own Chemical X at home:
- 1 Cup Tomato Juice
- 1 Tablespoon Ketchup
- 1 Tablespoon Lemon Juice
- 1 Teaspoon Pepper
It was disgusting, and Rachel and I couldn’t finish the entire cup.
“Chemical X isn’t supposed to be good,” Iolanda said. “It’s basically poison.”
With poison running through our veins, we moved on to the next step of our training.
3. Flying Lessons
Find a couch. Any couch. It could be a chair, or even a sturdy countertop you’re comfortable with standing on. Jump off. Do this until flying occurs.
4. Height Requirements
Now, the flying didn’t quite work out for us. But we figured we were just not old enough for that step yet. Rachel and I found a tree outside with a weird leaf growing out the side. We proclaimed that once we were as tall as the leaf on the tree, that’s when we would get our Powerpuff Girl powers.
(I believe that leaf was somewhere near 5ft)
Keep this in mind when you’re training. If you’re 3 feet tall, you need to wait.
Unfortunately, Rachel and I never became Powerpuff Girls. Not even when we reached the height requirement. We believe it was due to the fact that we didn’t finish the Chemical X. We didn’t follow the instructions properly. But we can guarantee that if you do, you will be a super-awesome-kick-ass-mega-chick in no time!!!
MEMORIES OF A CONNECTICUT NOBODY 